Sometimes when I pick up Sherlock's poop, a part of me is relieved when it's the firm, relatively dry, well-constituted kind, even though it feels disturbingly warm through the plastic bag, and not the runny (and yet, not runny enough) mush that forces me to evaluate the boundary of my duties as a good citizen to clean up after him. So that's how it felt when I learned that our last baby had trisomy 21 and would have had Down's Syndrome had I carried him to term. (And yes, it was a boy.) A part of me was relieved that we weren't forced to make a decision that no couple would ever want to make, even as we demand the right to make the decision in the first place. Another part of me was relieved that the baby was inherently defective, that it wasn't my body that caused the demise, even though my body created his chromosomal defect in the first place.
These are funny forms of relief, when something so shitty comes with a discount tag and a reminder that it could have been so much worse.
Your dog is beautiful. I know that's not the point, but I felt it needed to be said.
ReplyDeleteI get what you're saying.
Hi, Green,
ReplyDeleteHe's a good boy -- a fuzzy bundle of sweetness, even if he is the Grand Poo-bah. Of course, he reflects well on his owners.
You just compared your unborn child to poop?
ReplyDeleteNonetheless, I'm glad you were spared such a difficult decision, even though it hurts to have had it taken away.
I completely understand your feelings and no, anon, this wasn't a comparison of the author's unborn son to poop but the hard decisions we all have to make, as parents of animals and children, about what to do when things are NOT as we would have liked. I'm so sorry for your loss Shinyung and wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand your feelings and no, anon, this wasn't a comparison of the author's unborn son to poop but the hard decisions we all have to make, as parents of animals and children, about what to do when things are as we would have liked. I'm so sorry for your loss Shinyung and wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't comparing the birthing process to shitting. I guess if you read into it, you can try to use one as a metaphor for the other, but it makes no sense other than as a crude physiological parallel. It really was nothing more than about the weird sense of relief and the decision making, as GypsyEsq pointed out.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog a week or so ago and have been following it. I miscarried 6 years ago and was devasted. I doubt now I will be able to have my own children. I understand your loss and pain. There will be moments of "what might have been" or "what you miss out on". The pain goes away but the love does not. Even if your child was born with Downs, he still would have been yours to love.
ReplyDeleteGod has a plan for everything we do, even if think He is mean and cruel to us. Someday you will see this whole big picture and it will make sense.
My brother and his wife tried for 10 years and decided to adopt when they realized they could not have their own children. Two children later they realize this was God's plan.
I ended up doing something to help me through my pain. I became a preschool director and have 50 children that I spend five days a week with. They are not my own, but I treat them as my special kids.
I promise you, you will get through this, it takes time.
Your blog is huge help for the many women, like me, who experienced your situation but could not express it.
Harshly, there's nobody to blame but yourself.
ReplyDeleteYears wasted at an anonymous law cubicle as you chose not to start a family but chased the money or whatever.
Anonymous at 9:49,
ReplyDeleteI wonder how you live with yourself.
You were probably aware of risks associated with pregnancy as an old woman. Why did you wait this long?
ReplyDeleteI'm 31 but many of my female Princeton classmates are single. It's great that they're making good coin as financiers, but they'd better hurry up if they want any kids, I whisper to myself. The window is closing. Biology almost always wins despite what you read about J.Lo.
PS. You have more posts tagged in career (13) than family (9). Instead of anger towards me, you should reflect on the lesson I have given you.
Anonymous at 10:10,
ReplyDeleteFor your sake, I hope life proceeds exactly as you plan. Check back with me in 10 years.
Too bad you didn't learn much at Princeton.
What is wrong with you, Anonymous? I hope you never wish to share any hurts you have, because people like you might jump on you with fangs bared and tear you apart, like you are doing with Shinyung.
ReplyDeleteI hope I never meet anyone as insensitive and selfish as you in real life.
Look, you CHOSE this lifestyle. deal with it like a responsible, mature adult instead of blaming everyone around you.
ReplyDeleteMy sympathy is reserved for those who cannot conceive due to factors outside of their control. You were in control. Now, you are swimming against the tide of a million years of biological evolution.
Take a second to acknowledge you're more of a careerist than a family woman.
Silly, anonymous. Please keep your ignorance to yourself. By some women's standards, 31 may also be considered "too old." Shouldn't YOU have started a little earlier? And please also be aware that I can trace you.
ReplyDeleteYes ShinYoung,
ReplyDelete31 IS old. pls revisit my comments, if u wish.
BTW, i read some of your older posts. It's your parents' fault for guilting you into a law career.
Anonymous, you said: "Look, you CHOSE this lifestyle. deal with it like a responsible, mature adult instead of blaming everyone around you. "
ReplyDeleteThen you said: "BTW, i read some of your older posts. It's your parents' fault for guilting you into a law career."
First you want her to stop blaming others (which I haven't seen her do), then you want to tell her who to blame. That makes no sense. Unless those are from two different posters, but I find it hard to believe two different people would be so rude.
I've read almost every entry on Shinyung's blog, and she comes off to me as honest, mature, contemplative, focused, and extremely polite and kind-hearted.
You've been writing to her with the tone of someone who has been personally slighted by her or something personal of that magnitude. Yet, all she's done is been honest about her inner struggle, with a focus on moving forward. She's making choices for herself to shape her life, taking positive steps and stopping to notice the good things, even as she struggles with the painful things.
These are all positive traits. There is no sense to your sharp, outraged, cruel remarks -- literally, I can make no sense of it. Please leave her alone and go write a blog of your own and work out your own inner demons. There's no need to torment others like some playground bully, not that Shinyung can be bullied by the likes of you.
Eingy, I wish I could give you a big hug!
ReplyDeleteShinyung: Same here! *virtual hugs*
ReplyDeleteDIFFERENT Anonymous here:
ReplyDeleteI was about to start helping with the Loony Anonymous smackdown, but after reading through the comments, it's clear that Shinyung and Eingy don't need help from me.
The only thing you are generating, Loony Anonymous, is a pathetic mixture of pity and disdain from all of us as we read your impotent little rants. Shinyung has a point, you know: the Web really isn't all that anonymous anymore. We you be so bold if you were aware that we know who you are?